this guy here. i used to love him a damn lot! too deep that i just ignore any hurt that i felt just for him to smile? it was hard life. complicated. too complicated. after all that we've went through, he wanted us to stay best friends. so yea we did. life wasnt much different. we met often. he's always there when i'm sad. he gave me long huggs knowing that i miss him so much. he gave me the best advice and of course he made me laugh hard. from here, i think u know how much i depended on him. nvr to deny people, guy besties are unique. seriously.

so i felt the same way leen felt. what would happen to me once he have a gf? would his gf understand how much i cherish this friendship? what if i have a bf? would my bf stop me from seeing him? would we drift apart in future? it pains to foresee that. it pains to hear him saying " i love ..." but as his bestie, i should share the happiness. one thing i wanna tell u leen. u still have aizan by ur side although he's with me. but syuk and i did drift apart. we hardly get each other updated. we no longer have any outing. we only met when we bumped into each other. and as u know, bumping into each other depends on fate. once i did the social interview and the question asked was " what is it in syukry that u love most?" and i answered" the way he made me laugh" and he replied " but now u have aiai (syuk calls aizan aiai. haha. senteng) surely he'll make u happy. and im glad that u meet him"

ouch? ya true i have aizan. and he's making my life so much better. but that doesnt mean syuk could just stop making me laugh right? so all my fears came true. dont worry syg, i'll make sure u wont feel the same exact pain that i felt. cause i believe u too makes aizan happy. (: and baby i hope u dont think diffly. *huggs to both*

nowadays baby kept asking me why i always keep quiet. i know dear, im not so cheerful like i used to. i get more sensitive and i get hurt easily. why? idk. seriously.

there are some differences btwn me and baby. first, he have no curfew. i do. and it sucks. second, my free time is for me to work and for baby's free time well, he's free. third, he loves clubbing and for me, i know its fun but i just restrict myself from going there. fourth, baby keeps whatever he feels i show it all * for this i guess its normal for guys and girls* fifth, baby nvr think diffly, i do. most of the times. sixth, baby have his family to make him laugh or occupied for me i dont. seventh, baby have alot of girlfriends and me, i keep my distance away from most of my guy friends. 8th, baby have never felt jealousy but i often do. 9th, he feel so secured about me but most of the time i dont.

well, all of it is not baby's fault. maybe i just love him too much that i really couldnt picture us having a seperate life? or maybe im being obsessive now that skit2 insecure? i cant help but to think dating with me is such a bore. i have restricted time to be out. everything i do i have to watch out. cause i know eyes will be on me and before i knew it, my brothers get info about me. gosh i feel super rimas! not only with baby, even when im out with my friends, i'll be the first to say, i gtg and its only 9pm. and this guy here just love to enjoy. and i can see all his friends too. so of course how can he resist when his friend says "zan nak g club?" although he knows how i feel/ what will happen to me at night, he would still go. sometimes, i dont wish to get mad. or feel so sad that baby have to concole me every time he went into a club. like mepek kn? but i cant help it. seriously. i just wanna let him go since most of my free time is work time and his free time is free time. and i dont wan him to feel controlled or restricted. im seriously glad he had stop drinking and talking about that, i remembered the last time he drank. i think i saw it at leen's blog? she said something like this, aizan is drinking and i hope he is fine. i dont rmbr the exact words but the main words are DRINKING and FINE. while for me, what i felt was just anger anger anger. why cant i just allow him to do whatever he wanna do? so back to clubbing, im glad baby tell me that he is going to club; where, with who and what time. i'd rather feel hurt that way than facing the fact that he's lying. which i believe he never did. (: and i dont want due to club we will have big fights. cause somehow i have this feeling. i can never seperate baby and club. but there are chances that club could seperate us. :/
sometimes, i look at baby secretly. and i've always ask myself. who wouldnt wanna love him? he's just one comel guy. he have his own ways to make his girl happy. his love is one of a kind. hard to find in this modern days. he's really understanding, his hugg cures everything. i love it when he wipe my tears away. i love it when i was freaking mad at him he would just keep quiet. haha kayy this is funny when he keeps quiet he really look so cute. cause when i started to talk to him, he knows im not mad anymore and thats when he will start being cheerful. its really hard to be mad at him. but i cant help but i kept thinking, even if im not in his life anymore, i believe there is still someone out there who could love him better than i did. i cant help but to think, other girls can make him happier.im not saying that i really wanna leave him. but i kept asking myself why he loves me so much? i just cant believe it. everytime i look at myself, i tend to ask myself do i deserve him? or is it a miracle that he's mine? i remebered telling faz " after him,*i bet baby knows who* i dont deserve anyone" one true fact im facing, baby is the nicest among all my guys. he;s just too nice. nicer than who i am. which i believe a nicer girl deserves him instead of me. but he's mine. and i really cherish him alot. cause i know i cant find a better guy than him. but its just hard for me to please myself. please myself as in. to always make him happy and never for him to feel lonely. im feeling super guilty for making him cry. i seriously didnt expect him to cry so much for me. when he cried, i know i couldnt make him so happy like how other girls can make their guys super duper happy. thats why i keep saying, other girls can make him happier than i could. baby told me once" u're expecting too much from me" and that gave me a tight slap. i guess i really do expect too much from him. that i dont dare to say out anything cause any words of mine might hurt him. so baby, i'd rather keep quiet.

im so so sorry if i offended anyone. again, its just thoughts running through my mind. herleen, sorry for stealing away most of his time to spend with u. i understand how much u cherished ur friendship with him. i really do. and dear, i love u and i love us. so much. <3

baby, can u come here? i wanna hugg. and i cant stop crying. :(

and i could only meet baby next weekend? i dont wanna disturb him. he gotta prepare himself for his ct. go for it dear! ;D