a chronology of thoughts.
welcome
Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody.
No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds.
Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.
Monday, November 29, 2010, 9:50:00 PM
woohooo! fazlin complain alrdy. nyahhahaha. babeee, i dont wann to update my down part of my life but since i hardly get to meet u, i'll share with you what is bothering me lately.
firstly, i ammmm super super busy. work to sch to assignments to tests to work to sch to assignment to test. really non stop. i hardly get my rest, from 8 hrs to 7 hrs to 6 hrs & now 5 hrs of sleep daily. my body cant take it anymore. but wad can i do? i really have to scarifice those sleeps to succeed in my studies & earn more money right? :( but tomoro im gonna be bad. nyahhhaa. i wanna skip sch just fr me to sleep. lucky my sch no attendance taken during lecture unlike NYP! =D
so other than that, my dad officially wanna send me to china. he is so stubborn. i mean i really dont get it. he said he's doing this for my future job opportunity okayy fine that i can agree. but other than that such as " ur cousins didnt wann it either but now they're extending their stay there" my question is SOOO?! i mean im so freaking tired of to be compared with my cousins. whats there to compare me with them? i am me they are them. right?
during sec sch, my parents really compare me with my beloved cousing, seri. okayy find she's in the best sec sch in tamp, she is from express & she did well. my dad told me not to be in express cause he doubts i can make it due to my bros are in acad stream. while my mum told me to take F&N instead of science class so i can have higher chance to excel like my cousin. but what for? i was still in express, 1st class express & i still made it to poly with my interest in sci.
now they're sending me to china cause my indon cousins are doing so.
so tell me, what is unique about me when everything is compared? why cant i lead my life, with my own thing not following others' success?
i cant take it, everytime i think of it, tears will flow down without any hesitation. 2 yrs there. i cant meet my bf & friends for every 6 months? my guy would be in NS, wouldnt he look forward to meet me when he booked out every week? but since im not here, who is he looking forward to meet? i cant even be there for my friends if they have probs? if they need me to listen? why must it be me? why they never have the thought to send my bros?
yknow, i asked my mum why cant u ask bros to help u financially? i cant give her more than im giving her. & i jolly well know, the amount that i gave her is superly pathetic. but thats all i can give. whats my pay compared to my bros? & my mum can still ans me:
they have alot to pay. their motor their bill etc.
wahhhhhh! then i got nthg to pay uhh? i work like one stupid fucking girl for my own wants uhh? for me to shop around uhh? they as man are supposed to have the thought of putting some money aside for my parents. but why must it be me who have to think to put aside my money & when im not able to give her money she'll give me that sulky face?
where are they when the family face biggest conflict? when everybody in this house cried, shouted to each other & stuff?
i still remember clearly my 2nd bro called me up & said:
tell ibu im working tonight. haish i just don wann to be at home.
WTF RIGHTTT!
every morning i woke up due to my parents fighting. i had to cool them, wipe both their tears, listen to how they feel. what can i do sia? i had to sch & work also right. while my brothers can just go out when they fight & come back when things gets better.
& now, everything im doing is wrong. i blackface due to im tired or whatever reason, they say i never tried to smile for family. im always rude to family. im this im that. i only think of myself. never wanna try to understand hwo they feel.
the fucking problem is ive been taking care of their hearts for too long that now? who is taking care of mine?
my bf then come into my life. nobody except my first bro accepts him to be my guy. why? my bro can just bring new gf in the family just like that & my parents could entertain her with all their hearts but once it come to mine, they gve black face. CAN U TELL ME WTF IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?
i had to depend on my guy to be my bf & my family. & of course my friends are there for me too. but now my dad wants to seperate me with my loved ones?
i cant stand to see my bf cried that night. i cant stand the question that my bf asked. my friends are telling me to fight for my rights. but what can i do? they are alrdy used to me listening to them & not go against them. i cant say the hurt im feeling cause i had to spare a thought on them. am i so nice? why cant i be evil for once just to get my life?
dear fazlin,
it feels super unfair & idk how much longer i can endure this pain. *crying*